Saturday, November 27, 2010

Dia Veinte Ocho

Day 28-A picture of you from last year and now-how have you changed?
This a picture from one of Krista's first photo shoots ever! We got up in the wee hours of the morning of September 2009, did my makeup, picked out a few outfits, and headed up the canyon. It was so much fun! I felt kinda stupid sometimes cause I'm no Tyra. She's fierce. But it was still fun...even changing on the side of the road with people passing by.

As I look at this picture it's weird how I think I can see what others may not. I see loneliness. I see emptiness. I see searching. I see hurt. I see wrestling. Yes, I look content, peaceful, and ok...Kris made me look pretty, but I can see so much more in my eyes, which is why I picked this photo out of all the others from that shoot. The others I am hiding it fairly well. That or Krista is just so dang good. I'll go with the latter. The point is I was lonely. I was empty. I was searching. I was hurt. And I was wrestling a battle inside. Yeah, it had been a year since I broke of my engagement, but I was still not over it. Sure, I would plaster on a smile and tell everyone I was ok. But I wasn't. I still cried and writhed in pain at night before falling asleep from exhaustion. This might seem ridiculous, but I just couldn't shake what had happened. I feel. I feel deeply. I feel extremely deep. So when you feel extremely deep about someone and they betray you and your life falls into shambles, it's not an overnight fix. Or a month fix. Or even a 6 month fix. And to tell you the truth, I cried about it not even a few weeks ago. Not because I'm still in love with him, but when I remember how I used to feel each and every day it brings me to tears. Perhaps someday I'll write everything that I felt the day it actually happened. I finally just wrote about it in my journal. I hadn't written in my journal in over 2 years because I couldn't. It was too hard. But I got the impression I needed to write down my experience for posterity's sake. So I did. And you better believe it is detailed and maybe tears were rolling down my face while writing it.

This was the post Krista wrote on the day it happened.
And here is the rest of the photo shoot.

And this is a picture that was snapped of me not too long ago. By Krista once again. We had a roommate photo shoot and amidst the group shots, we got to be a solo model for a few snaps. Twas lovely and I always love when Kris takes pictures. Again, I'm not Tyra, but I try. The photo shoot was a blast, even with the hobo that was down this very alleyway. It was such a fun morning and my roommates are still talking about it and having the pics as profile pics.
I feel like this picture captures better who I am today. I am sure. I am confident. I am happy. I am full. I have light. It looks like the hours of studying with BYU religion professors, the hours spent on my knees, the kindness of friends, the prayers of family, and just chuggin' through life got me here. Sure I have my hard times. Who doesn't? The difference is that those times last a minute compared to the anguish I felt for 20 or so months. Course, I really do have to thank a special person. Yes, I know who you're all thinking. No y'all, it's not Justin Bieber! Though he has brought much joy to my life. :) I have to thank my sweetheart, Alex. He has been such a blessing. He restored my trust in boys. He showed me what it meant to be a Priesthood holder. And he taught me how to love again. He brings so much happiness to my life every single day. He makes me laugh. He treats me so well. So thank you family, friends, roommates, home teachers, professors, Alex, and of course my Savior & Heavenly Father for getting me from there to here.

To see the rest of the Green Gables Roommate Photo Shoot click here.
And to hire Krista as your photographer go here. Do it. You won't regret it!

BYU vs. Utah game today! C'mon Cougs! Do what I know you can do! RAWRRR!!


Meggara said...

love you girl.

Beth said...

You are amazing, Kayc.

Lori said...

I'm so proud of your honesty and realness! And I love who you are and where you are--no matter where you are--but i'm happy for where you are now!