Saturday, February 21, 2015

The joy thief.

I'm in a funk.
I said it.
I'm in an annoying, deep funk.
I'm not embarrassed by admitting that.
Everyone struggles with things.
However, I AM embarrassed for the reason.
But I figured I'd better share it just in case there's someone else out there going through the same thing and they need to know they're not alone.

I know you're dying to know the reason.
Ugh.  Terrible, huh?
That's why I'm so embarrassed to admit it!
I have SO much to be grateful for and SO many blessings in my life.
But even that comparison monster gets me.
Usually I'm able to get myself out of feeling down fairly quickly, but recently it's been hard.
I've been in this funk for over 2 weeks now and it's not fun!
Sure I have my moments of happiness.
And obviously I'm still out and about doing my business.
I just don't feel AS happy.
I don't feel AS productive.
I don't feel AS worthy.

Every day my negative mind tells me...
-"Everyone else your age is settled."
-"All of your friends have houses and dogs."
-"You're an ok Zumba teacher.  That's why some of the other instructors have more people in their classes than you."
-"They get to go on fun trips every few months.  Must be nice."
-"You'll never be able to make money with Usborne so why try?"
-"So and so's child can count to 5 or sing a song.  They must be a better mother."
-"Everyone else can afford to go on date night every week."
And the list goes on and on...
And THEN I feel terrible for thinking those things because HELLO!  There are people in the middle east getting their heads chopped off!  My problems are so first world and ridiculous!  What's my problem?
So then I feel worse...
And the cycle goes around and around. want to know the reality?
-I personally know not EVERYONE I know is settled where they're going to be for the rest of their lives.
-Not ALL of my friends have houses.
-I'm a great Zumba teacher.  My students tell me so!  The other instructors have been here longer and have a larger following.  (And are doing this weird thing by telling members to not go to other instructor's classes and are being legit high school mean girls.  My bosses are figuring that one out...)
-Sure they may go on fun trips all the time, but...insert a variety of things we don't struggle with.
-People don't build businesses over night.  The people that make awesome money in Usborne have been consultants for years and have worked hard for what they have.
-My child is happy, healthy, and smart.
-Other people have financial tightness too.

Even though I KNOW all of these realities, I have a hard time grasping them.
Through talking with Alex and my sister, we've come to figure out why that is.
And with my therapy background, I LOVE knowing the logic behind things.
I like to know there's a reason behind ridiculous emotions.
Helps me feel not so crazy. :)
1. This is the first time in my life when comparisons are real.  At BYU, the majority of people were poor college students.  In Salt Lake, we lived in the married student housing.  Everyone lived in cinder block walls and a tight budget.  In Santa Barbara our room and board was covered.  Money wasn't a stress.  Now, we're here.  The excitement of a new place has worn off and the stress is real.  It's so easy to notice comparisons when everyone is in a different stage of their life, families, jobs, and bank accounts.
2. I was born in a hospital 3 miles from my house.  The same house by parents still live in.  I had the same room for 18 years.  Actually...I still have the same room.  haha.  My subconscious is very unsettled with the thought that I have a family, but are no where near to putting down long term roots.  Who knows how long we'll be in AZ?  Who knows how long until we have a house?  Who knows how long until we have a dog and a cat?  Who knows how long until Alex will be doing what he wants to do?  There's just so many unanswered questions.  And for someone who grew up in a very settled family, it's hard to wrap my brain around I don't have that yet.

So there's the logic.
It's still a struggle, but I've been getting a little better.

This morning I saw a quote on Instagram that really struck a chord with me.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

So.  True.
And I do not want that to be me.
That has been me for a few weeks, but I don't want comparing to take any more of my joy.
My son deserves 100% joy.
My husband deserves 100% joy.
My endeavors deserve 100% joy.
And I deserve 100% joy.

So I have a new resolve to really and truly and actively fight that comparison monster within.
It's not going to be easy, but I want it.
We were put on this earth to be happy and I don't want something as stupid as comparison to ruin that!
Wish me luck!

Today I am going to write down all of my biggest blessings and stick them where I can see them often.
My family, friends, talents, my beliefs, and my healthy body are at the top of that list!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

18 months!

I seriously cannot believe my baby is now closer to 2 than 1.
Time flies so stinkin' fast.
And my sweet boy is so stinkin' cute.

Still growing like a champ.
Just about 30 lbs and around 33-33.5 inches long.  (He had a hard time standing still to really get a super accurate measurement.)
He had his last shot until age 4, which was nice!
*side note: we went to the pediatrician's office yesterday to get a rash checked out.  His 18 month well check was 10 days before.  When they called his name to come back, he started running for the front door and said "no!" hahaha!  He thought another shot was coming.

Things he loves to do: read read read!  He's quite the bookworm.  Do "look and find" books.  Build towers.  Shoot basketballs in the hoop.  Naming parts of the body on us.  Being outside.  Finding airplanes and helicopters.  Going on walks.  Opening/Closing the doors.  Putting the keys in the door.  Helping with the laundry.  Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Cars, and The Lion King.

His favorite foods: cucumbers, bananas, broccoli, bread, crackers, veggie stick chips, apples, pears, cookies, m&ms, string cheese, pasta, peas, and meat.
He also LOVES drinking water.
We can't go anywhere without his big boy water bottle.
It's nice he loves water...but he does wake up with 10 lb diapers.

He's starting to talk a lot more, which has been so fun!
We counted the other day and he says over 60 words on an almost daily basis.
It definitely helps me know what he wants.
A few of my favorite words he says: "hep!" (help), "cupacup" (cucumber), "ahpane" (airplane), "pees" (please), and "dor-A" (door)...he makes "door" a 2 syllable word.  He sounds like he's from Boston.  It's awesome.
I also love when he knocks his block tower over and yells "oh no!" :)

Besides speaking, he understands SO much.
I'm amazed every day at how much he's comprehending and responding.
He's so smart.

Like I mentioned above, he loves to help out with the laundry.
I hand him the clothes from the washer so he can put them in the dryer.
Then he likes to help me "fold."
He would see me whipping the clothes to get all the folds/wrinkles out so now he grabs the clothes and flings them around.
It's so funny.
Since he started messing up all my piles, I've now figured out how to distract him from that.
I just ask him to find all the socks.
He thinks it's the greatest thing ever!
He puts them all in a big pile.  Once he's found them he throws them all over to do it again.
Then once I'm all done I have him put the socks in the drawer.
He's quite the helper. :)

Things he hates: getting his diaper changed, having to come inside, getting dressed, having his face wiped, brushing his teeth, getting out of the bath tub, and did I mention getting his diaper changed?  It's like a wrestling match each time.  As if changing a diaper isn't awful enough...let's add a screaming, flailing, arching, kicking toddler.  Blah.
The one funny thing about it is he yells for the other parent, as if they'll come save him.
So if I'm changing him he yells "DaDa!"
And if Alex is changing him he yells "Mommy!"

Kameron is just the best, little cub.
He's at a challenging age and sometimes I would love to have him just lie in my arms like baby again, but he's so fun!
I can't believe how fast he's growing up and I love seeing his personality shine through more and more.
He's such a sweetheart and I'm so honored to be his mama.