Saturday, February 21, 2015

The joy thief.

I'm in a funk.
I said it.
I'm in an annoying, deep funk.
I'm not embarrassed by admitting that.
Everyone struggles with things.
However, I AM embarrassed for the reason.
But I figured I'd better share it just in case there's someone else out there going through the same thing and they need to know they're not alone.

I know you're dying to know the reason.
Ugh.  Terrible, huh?
That's why I'm so embarrassed to admit it!
I have SO much to be grateful for and SO many blessings in my life.
But even that comparison monster gets me.
Usually I'm able to get myself out of feeling down fairly quickly, but recently it's been hard.
I've been in this funk for over 2 weeks now and it's not fun!
Sure I have my moments of happiness.
And obviously I'm still out and about doing my business.
I just don't feel AS happy.
I don't feel AS productive.
I don't feel AS worthy.

Every day my negative mind tells me...
-"Everyone else your age is settled."
-"All of your friends have houses and dogs."
-"You're an ok Zumba teacher.  That's why some of the other instructors have more people in their classes than you."
-"They get to go on fun trips every few months.  Must be nice."
-"You'll never be able to make money with Usborne so why try?"
-"So and so's child can count to 5 or sing a song.  They must be a better mother."
-"Everyone else can afford to go on date night every week."
And the list goes on and on...
And THEN I feel terrible for thinking those things because HELLO!  There are people in the middle east getting their heads chopped off!  My problems are so first world and ridiculous!  What's my problem?
So then I feel worse...
And the cycle goes around and around. want to know the reality?
-I personally know not EVERYONE I know is settled where they're going to be for the rest of their lives.
-Not ALL of my friends have houses.
-I'm a great Zumba teacher.  My students tell me so!  The other instructors have been here longer and have a larger following.  (And are doing this weird thing by telling members to not go to other instructor's classes and are being legit high school mean girls.  My bosses are figuring that one out...)
-Sure they may go on fun trips all the time, but...insert a variety of things we don't struggle with.
-People don't build businesses over night.  The people that make awesome money in Usborne have been consultants for years and have worked hard for what they have.
-My child is happy, healthy, and smart.
-Other people have financial tightness too.

Even though I KNOW all of these realities, I have a hard time grasping them.
Through talking with Alex and my sister, we've come to figure out why that is.
And with my therapy background, I LOVE knowing the logic behind things.
I like to know there's a reason behind ridiculous emotions.
Helps me feel not so crazy. :)
1. This is the first time in my life when comparisons are real.  At BYU, the majority of people were poor college students.  In Salt Lake, we lived in the married student housing.  Everyone lived in cinder block walls and a tight budget.  In Santa Barbara our room and board was covered.  Money wasn't a stress.  Now, we're here.  The excitement of a new place has worn off and the stress is real.  It's so easy to notice comparisons when everyone is in a different stage of their life, families, jobs, and bank accounts.
2. I was born in a hospital 3 miles from my house.  The same house by parents still live in.  I had the same room for 18 years.  Actually...I still have the same room.  haha.  My subconscious is very unsettled with the thought that I have a family, but are no where near to putting down long term roots.  Who knows how long we'll be in AZ?  Who knows how long until we have a house?  Who knows how long until we have a dog and a cat?  Who knows how long until Alex will be doing what he wants to do?  There's just so many unanswered questions.  And for someone who grew up in a very settled family, it's hard to wrap my brain around I don't have that yet.

So there's the logic.
It's still a struggle, but I've been getting a little better.

This morning I saw a quote on Instagram that really struck a chord with me.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

So.  True.
And I do not want that to be me.
That has been me for a few weeks, but I don't want comparing to take any more of my joy.
My son deserves 100% joy.
My husband deserves 100% joy.
My endeavors deserve 100% joy.
And I deserve 100% joy.

So I have a new resolve to really and truly and actively fight that comparison monster within.
It's not going to be easy, but I want it.
We were put on this earth to be happy and I don't want something as stupid as comparison to ruin that!
Wish me luck!

Today I am going to write down all of my biggest blessings and stick them where I can see them often.
My family, friends, talents, my beliefs, and my healthy body are at the top of that list!


Chayse and Charlotte said...

Amen about those finances!! And I have been trying to be grateful in every circumstance. Sure, this and that aren't going well but I had a happy moment today and have a picture to smile at. You won't be a useful person if you don't go through these situations! Just can't wait until I'm on the other side of this mountain Chayse and I are climbing right now and can see the growth through it all!!!

Charlotte said...

For the record...the exact same negative thoughts to a tee and maybe a few more. Except we do have the dog....but if it makes you feel better, it makes it so much harder to find a place to rent.

Nicole Wait Johnson said...

I used to always have a problem with comparing myself to others and them not accepting me based on stages in life. Specifically moving out here and having all the women my age be Mom's of 1,2 or 3. It was probably hard for them (mostly me) to feel accepted in their klan, talk about their kids and have me just sitting there, attend their preschool play dates trying to be social. I was talking to my friend a few months ago (who has four kids) and she was saying that if you're not careful, that mindset can always be there so I just needed to stop.

If you think about it, in college it was like "Okay if I just can find a boyfriend then I can hang with these friends because they all have boyfriends" "Wow once I'm married I can hang out with the married people" "Once we finally have a kid, I'll feel more accepted at the playdates at the park or the baby showers" "Once my kids go to school during the day I'll be able to understand what those mom's are going through" "Once I am finally an empty nester, then I'll be able to do this with those people" IT JUST NEVER ENDS!

So I finally made a decision to accept where I'm at in my stage of life! It took a while. But now I am the most favorite auntie Nicole to all my friends kids and it's the best ;) Sorry that turned into a novel. Satan sucks. Glad you steered him away for a bit with counting your blessings. That works awesomely!

Jordan said...

Kaycie thank you for this reminder :) I needed to hear this. Also we're totally tight financially if that makes you feel better haha we ask for gift cards for holidays for pre-paid date nights and then I don't feel as guilty. Also your pictures with Kam are adorable and he looks so happy and you always have such cute ideas to keep him busy or celebrate with him. And he says dinosaurs cuter than any other kid I've ever seen.

Melanie said...

Thanks for the reminder! I have a lot of those thoughts as I'm still single, still living in an apartment, still struggling financially, and still not even sure if my current career is right for me. I also feel you on the Usborne books thought because I feel the same way about my IT Works business. But we are ALL going through different stages and have different issues, so it's important to remember and be grateful for the things we do have. (I struggle with this a lot, so I'm telling this to myself more than anyone else!)

whitney said...

I'm pretty sure comparison gets the best of us. And I would love to come to one of your zumba classes! I'm sure you are a fantastic teacher!

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Panharith said...

For the record...the exact same negative thoughts to a tee and maybe a few more.